And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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