you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
