I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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