Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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