and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
