it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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