She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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