I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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