i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
