I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
