this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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