Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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