Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize