I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize