If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
