Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize