I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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