Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize