Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
