dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
