Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
