I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
