You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize