im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
