Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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