my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
