Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
