i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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