I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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