I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
