Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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