im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
