just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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