how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
