Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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