The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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