i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
