"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize