Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize