Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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