she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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