I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
