im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
