got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
