you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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