Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize