I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize