Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
