I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
