I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
