I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
