a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
There's even glitter on my cock...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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