i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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