I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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