Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Randomize
