I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
