Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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