Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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