im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize