A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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