I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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