Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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