Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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