i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
