The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
