On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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